day 2 on a journey of a thousand

what makes you happy? truly? and don't say "life" because let's be honest, im fresh out of wanting to hear the cheesy warm fuzzy postcard quotes and sayings of the world.  on the days when you question everything, then, what makes you happy? i don't know.  that's where im at right now.  i have absolutely no clue how to make myself happy anymore. im a dancer, dance teacher, and dance choreographer - ask me in March of this year what made me happy and without hesitation, i would reply "dance".  it's always there for me, never judges, and always gives something back to you in the end with a beautiful artistic culmination of your hard work.  sadly, this year i have begun to lose interest in that which once filled my life with joy because it was attached to so many negative things.  i know im not the first to feel this way, but feel very alone in losing something i loved in my life.  i can't help but think of those people who love something, then as a result of some freak unfortunate accident, they are no longer able to do that which they love.  what then? do you just hate life? do you just wake up every single day saying "man, life sucks" to yourself?  what is the path to finding your next "love" in life when you lose something?

i decided that not only am i going to blog, im going to journal (or continue to).  the difference will be that my journal will be focused solely on stating the joys in life not venting my cathartic rants about my angry journey back to happiness (maybe further into my journey i will be less grouchy and share some of those joys with you! eeek!).  maybe, if i just list things that "should" make people happy, i'll figure out that they maybe can make me happy.  call it a joy list of sorts - generic joyful things in an effort to seek joy out of them. i may surprise myself - maybe tiny little puppies will be my new "thing" :)

so in my joyous journey, here is the step im taking today:

* im going to list out generic joys daily in my journal, even if i can only think of one.
* im going to find a way to bring the joy back to dance for myself even if it's me dancing alone in my living room while i dust
* im going to change my lifestyle habits and diet - i bought fresh fruits and veggies today. maybe if i feel better internally i will learn to feel better externally.
* when my son comes home from school each day my time will be focused solely on him. no more cleaning, working, blogging, etc. he will get 100% of my energy until i have to cook supper.

so.what.

so what? so what if i have, at the age of 28, absolutely no idea what makes me happy. i thought i did, but this year has turned me upside down and then spun me around just to make good and sure i was completely and utterly confused by life. so what? so what if i don't know who i am. i thought i did, i thought i knew exactly who i was but again, all that has been challenged this year and now i question it all.

so.what.

im going on a journey of self discovery. call it my "eat, pray, love" journey right here in Texas. whatever you want to see it as, i know it has to happen. i can't even say im stagnate in my life because in being stagnate i couldn't possibly be spiraling so downward and out of control. stagnate sounds good right now. stagnate sounds like a relief.  i would love, for once, to be stagnate instead of getting worse.

so.what.

im tired of being judged and told who i am this year. after 8 months of being told who i am by others, i've truly lost the ability to know if they're right or if they're wrong. i haven't a clue who i am anymore. truly. im a blank slate now that was wiped away by other's opinions of me. i've allowed, you hear me, allowed, other people to do things to me that have caused me to lose the ability to know who i am as a person. the sad part is those people are the ones i love(d).  people i love have hurt me the most this year and continue to do so.  i can't explain the hurt.  i can't explain the way i now challenge myself because 've been challenged by people i once trusted. i've become attached to things in an effort to replace the love that i've lost from those who've hurt me. and now my life is cluttered with meaningless things to cover a hole made by people that hurt me this year.  i feel like im drowning.  i want to throw everything away because memories are attached to those things.  i want to wipe my life clean and start over the way i feel my personality has been wiped away by those i once trusted with everything.  i want a fresh start but i have to know who im going to place into my being once that start has been given and honestly, that scares me a little bit.  i don't know who i am.

so.what.

you can judge me for this journey. you can judge the selfish decisions that im about to make. you can tell me who you think i am. everyone else already has so at this point i can't focus on what others say, do, or think about me. so what. im going to find out who i am, without doing things for everyone else.  i have to find out who i really am or i will be lost forever.  i dont even know if i can be found at this point but i won't give up.

so to those who hurt me, intentionally, maliciously, without regret this year- so what