so.what.

so what? so what if i have, at the age of 28, absolutely no idea what makes me happy. i thought i did, but this year has turned me upside down and then spun me around just to make good and sure i was completely and utterly confused by life. so what? so what if i don't know who i am. i thought i did, i thought i knew exactly who i was but again, all that has been challenged this year and now i question it all.

so.what.

im going on a journey of self discovery. call it my "eat, pray, love" journey right here in Texas. whatever you want to see it as, i know it has to happen. i can't even say im stagnate in my life because in being stagnate i couldn't possibly be spiraling so downward and out of control. stagnate sounds good right now. stagnate sounds like a relief.  i would love, for once, to be stagnate instead of getting worse.

so.what.

im tired of being judged and told who i am this year. after 8 months of being told who i am by others, i've truly lost the ability to know if they're right or if they're wrong. i haven't a clue who i am anymore. truly. im a blank slate now that was wiped away by other's opinions of me. i've allowed, you hear me, allowed, other people to do things to me that have caused me to lose the ability to know who i am as a person. the sad part is those people are the ones i love(d).  people i love have hurt me the most this year and continue to do so.  i can't explain the hurt.  i can't explain the way i now challenge myself because 've been challenged by people i once trusted. i've become attached to things in an effort to replace the love that i've lost from those who've hurt me. and now my life is cluttered with meaningless things to cover a hole made by people that hurt me this year.  i feel like im drowning.  i want to throw everything away because memories are attached to those things.  i want to wipe my life clean and start over the way i feel my personality has been wiped away by those i once trusted with everything.  i want a fresh start but i have to know who im going to place into my being once that start has been given and honestly, that scares me a little bit.  i don't know who i am.

so.what.

you can judge me for this journey. you can judge the selfish decisions that im about to make. you can tell me who you think i am. everyone else already has so at this point i can't focus on what others say, do, or think about me. so what. im going to find out who i am, without doing things for everyone else.  i have to find out who i really am or i will be lost forever.  i dont even know if i can be found at this point but i won't give up.

so to those who hurt me, intentionally, maliciously, without regret this year- so what